Be more perfect

Last year, I had 3 New Year's Resolutions: wear nicer clothes, have more fun with my kids and send birthday cards.

I'd say the results are mixed. Because I don't need to "dress office" for my job and because I'm naturally a very causal person, and because I'm busy and I because I dress for comfort and convenience more than anything... you get the picture... for all these reasons, my daily wardrobe isn't always particularly polished. As a result of my resolution, I wouldn't say I started wearing nicer clothes, but I did start thinking more about the clothes I wear, and spending more time putting myself together.

It may sound completely ridiculous, but through this effort, I discovered the magic of "mom sweat pants." These are soft pants that might as well be pajamas but that look pulled together enough to wear in public! Now I have a comfortable alternative to the usual jeans. Honestly, this is not as depressing as it sounds.

Also, I realized that I'm really just not a spend-a-lot-of -time getting ready for the day kindof person. For all these reasons, I'm going to go ahead and call resolution #1 a success.

Resolution #2, have more fun with my kids, was kindof a weird one. I must have been feeling low when I conceived it because I already have lots of fun with my kids. I didn't really need to be reminded. Sure, I'm frazzled and grouchy sometimes, but in general, we do lots of activities together and make plenty of time for fun. Maybe a year ago I we weren't doing that as much. Maybe the resoultion was so successful that I've forgotten how things even were before. In any case, we're all good now.

The final resolution, send birthday cards, is a total joke. I didn't send a single one. I would love to, but somehow I can't seem to get the card, the correct date, the message and the postage in the same place at the same time early enough to get it into the mail within a reasonable window to get to the intended recipient on or around their actual birthday. Usually, I plan big, miss my window, watch the birthday come and go, and then spend a week feeling bad that I couldn't get it together but knowing that it's too late. Grrr.

I would say that I'll just focus on that as my resolution for 2012 but it seem kindof silly to do a repeat. And I was thinking about resolutions in general. Some people hate them. I don't mind thm at all, but for some reason, this year I can't pick. I want to do them all- which in practical terms means that I'll have none. Resolutions are about being better.

I want to be more organized, more friendly, more fun, more witty, cook more, cook better, have an always clean house, make more money, be more patient, be gentler, be a better friend, work harder, do a better job, dazzle more often, be always on time, be more available, be less distracted, calmer, less afraid, more sure, better prepared.

I want to be more perfect. At everything.

And so my resolution is to chip away at that, little by little. Be a better me, one day at a time.

Out with the old

I still remember soon after turning 30, walking down a snowy road in Gliwice, Poland. It was early 2001 and I walked arm in arm with the Beast, straight into the future. The only thing that I knew about 2001 was that the end would be entirely different from the beginning and on that snowy walk, I decided that discovering what was to come would be an adventure rather than something to fear.

And indeed, 2001 unfolded into the life I had been impatiently waiting for. Before the year was up, I was living in DC; the Beast and I got married; I was pregnant; I had an awesome job teaching English- I loved riding the metro to work every day. In 2002, things just kept getting better, my daughter was born; I bought a house; I became a professor.

But of course, change is not always happy and exciting and life unfolds as it will. One of the great things about being in school is that it has allowed me to live fully in the inbetween. There are many decisions I have not had to make because "I'm in school." and "I'll wait til I'm done with school to figure that out." But eventually things will have to change and decisions will have to be made.

Right now we live, squished into a few rooms of our house, barely able to afford it even with the house mates and definitely not able to afford to rent another place. With my job, I am rich in time with my children; we are lucky to have fantastic health insurance; I am happy to go to work everyday... but... but... I guess you could say that my salary would be considered a good second salary by the standards of the DC metro region. And for us, it's not the second salary. It's the one and only.

I'm ok with that. I'm actually thrilled to be extravagantly rich in time. But I sense the end of the in-between time. I'm going to have to figure things out. Where will we live? Can we live in this house? Can we move? Will we stay near by, close to all our friends in the community we've built over the last 10 years? Will we move away? Rebuild? Can I afford (money) to keep this job that I love? Can I afford (time) to get a new job? Where will the kids go to school? What if I just spent years and tons of money getting a PhD and then can't or don't want to get a new job? What if I get a new job and I hate it or am not good at it? What if we move and can't make new friends?

What if I make the wrong decisions?

Not all of these things will need to be decided in 2012. We have some time left in the inbetween. And what I want to do more than anything is ENJOY our time here while making decisions that will lead us out of it and into the great adventure that is our future.

Tomorrow I will be 41. 2012 is upon us. I am walking down a snowy road arm in arm with myself. I will not be afraid.

I will not be afraid.

Oh and for heaven's sake...

I really should mention, even though I wanted to wait til I could upload a photo, but since my computer is momentarily dead, and I can't do that, I should take just a second, a brief line, to say... I passed my exams! I'm ABD!

Yay!

I agonized and and stressed for several weeks and when they told me that I passed, I was relieved for about 4 seconds before I just incorporated that relief into the larger realization that in "All but dissertation", BUT looms much larger than ALL.

Seriously though.

Yay!

Christmas Cheer

There are two things that are always true about this time of year. I am always full of Christmas cheer and enjoy partaking in the the various activities of the season. AND there is never as much time as I think to fit in all the things that need and want to be done before the holidays are over.

When I gaze at the uncluttered google calendar page in mid-November, I think, "Ah! This year there will be plenty of time.." for this and that and the other thing. The problem is that by mid-December, "this and that and the other thing" have to muscle their way on to the calendar in between all the other things that have popped up on there.

It's all fun stuff. Crafts and cocoa and songs and parties and music and church and friends and lights and family. I love it! And it's horrible at the same time.

I start to feel like we're running a race and we'll get through it if we just pace ourselves.

That's not an entirely awesome way to feel, but I think it may be an unavoidable situation. I WANT to say yes to all of it.

This year, I had wanted to take the kids to a performance of the nutcracker or A Christmas Carol, but I'm a day late (literally) and a dollar short (somewhat literally). All the performances that we could get ourselves to without supernatural intervention have sold out (since yesterday when there were at least a couple of seats left).

Ah, sigh. It's ok. We'll go to the Mormon Temple and to see the Garden of Lights. To make gingerbread houses with friends and cookies with cousins. And to THREE! unexpected birthday parties. There is plenty to do.

For the moment, I'm a little cheer-less. My (new-ish) computer has stopped working AND I lost a bag of craft-fair gifts (somewhere. Where is that thing? My house is not that big! Did it get tossed by accident? Argh). Also, I realized that now that the temp has dropped in earnest, so has my will to get my butt outside and exercise. I'm trending to Grinchy at the moment.

A walk with the dog. A cup of eggnog. Some carols. A deep breath. And plunge back in.

Gratitude

I'm a little late to the gratitude party. Several of my friends posted on facebook daily during November. Each day a different thing to be grateful for. I didn't participate in this meme. I enjoyed reading about what people are grateful for and it was often inspiring (although occasionally it was annoying-- along the lines of "I'm grateful that I'm so awesome and that I'm lucky to have such a wonderful life that other people don't have").

In my own life, I honestly try to be grateful every day. I've had some sadnesses, but on the whole, I have a pretty wonderful life. When I think about it, I have just about everything the younger me thought would make a "good" life:

• awesome kids
• a house of my own
• an education
• a job I enjoy that doesn't require that I punch in, that offers autonomy, that challenges me and that I'm good at
• fantastic friends
• enough money to pay my bills
• a life filled with books, crafts, music, laughter and nature
• good health and a strong body

That's it really. All of the annoyances of life are truly minute against the backdrop of so much to be thankful for. And anything else is just icing on the already moist and delicious cake that is my life. (Did you like that metaphor? :)))))

It's easy to get frustrated.... with my kids, my housemates, traffic, finances, the weather... sometimes in the morning, I'm tired, the kids don't want to get up. They're cranky. We're rushed. I'm making their lunches feeling stressed and harried. And I'm grumbling in my head about how tedious it is to pack school lunches for ungrateful people who probably won't eat half of what I pack.

But then I think that one day I won't GET to pack lunches for them. It's kindof a privilege to get to care for people. It's fleeting. And reminding myself of that makes me more patient with the lunch making. It makes me remember to slow down and do it with love.

And it reminds me that all that we do is a privilege. Every dish washed, every whiny child, every minute sat in traffic, every unfulfilled wish... I am so very, very grateful for all of it.

Except sometimes...

These days, I find that I very rarely pine for a partner in my life. It's not even that I'm so busy- although I am- It's more that I'm so content.

Domestically, most things I can do for myself- fix the toilet, rake the leaves- and what I can't do, I can either ignore or pay someone else to do - replace the back door, change my oil. Socially, I have friends to hang out with, plenty people to interact with and have really come to enjoy just being by myself. There's just not the gaping hole in my life that there used to be. Life feels complete as is.

Except sometimes.

We had fun picking out the Christmas tree and once we got it home, I indulged Baby Monster's desire to be the one to cut the twine that held it to the roof of the car, but somehow, as I was dragging it across the lawn all the feelings of loss and loneliness just rushed up on me.

"I shouldn't be doing this alone," I thought. and then, "Well, I'm not doing it alone. Baby Monster is 'helping' me, but it sure would be nice to have another adult here with me. A partner to help me. To enjoy this with me..."

It was at about this time that the tree stopped cooperating. It became heavy and uneven. When I tried to get it into the stand, the branches jutted out, preventing it from going it.

Baby Monster assisted by noting that the tree was not straight and assuring me that I should keep working at it.

I did not want to keep working at it. I wanted to quit. But I couldn't really do that, could I? I wonder if anyone has just left their Christmas tree laying on the lawn for the duration of the holiday season. That's not very festive and I'm pretty sure the kids wouldn't stand for it, so I continued to wrestle the tree.

At this point, one of my downstairs housemates walked up and said, "Do you need a hand?"

"No. I've got it. Thanks though," I replied.

I'm sure that was a little bit confusing to him because, clearly, I did need a hand.

So he stood there and watched me wrestle with the tree for a few more minutes before wandering off.

The thing was that I did need help, but I wanted a different kind of help. I wanted the help of someone who could, later, after putting the kids to bed, sit on the couch holding my hand, sleepily admiring the strange and particular beauty that is a family Christmas tree.

Jimmy had offered to help and all, but I don't think he was in for all that!

I felt pretty silly, refusing help that I clearly needed. And for all that, I spent a few minutes being extremely grouchy as I dragged the thing inside, managed to get it into the corner where it immediately fell over, re-straightened it in its stand, re-put it in the corner, struggled through the tedious task of getting the lights wound round a tree that is shoved in a corner and then plugged it in.

But then our friends came; we ate cookies and drank tea and chocolate; the children banged on things and played with the dog; the tree was decked with ornaments; music played. And I forgot to be grouchy.

All the falls

The beautiful, musty smell of leaves underfoot reminds me of all the falls, of back to school, of beginnings and things left behind.