Out with the old

I still remember soon after turning 30, walking down a snowy road in Gliwice, Poland. It was early 2001 and I walked arm in arm with the Beast, straight into the future. The only thing that I knew about 2001 was that the end would be entirely different from the beginning and on that snowy walk, I decided that discovering what was to come would be an adventure rather than something to fear.

And indeed, 2001 unfolded into the life I had been impatiently waiting for. Before the year was up, I was living in DC; the Beast and I got married; I was pregnant; I had an awesome job teaching English- I loved riding the metro to work every day. In 2002, things just kept getting better, my daughter was born; I bought a house; I became a professor.

But of course, change is not always happy and exciting and life unfolds as it will. One of the great things about being in school is that it has allowed me to live fully in the inbetween. There are many decisions I have not had to make because "I'm in school." and "I'll wait til I'm done with school to figure that out." But eventually things will have to change and decisions will have to be made.

Right now we live, squished into a few rooms of our house, barely able to afford it even with the house mates and definitely not able to afford to rent another place. With my job, I am rich in time with my children; we are lucky to have fantastic health insurance; I am happy to go to work everyday... but... but... I guess you could say that my salary would be considered a good second salary by the standards of the DC metro region. And for us, it's not the second salary. It's the one and only.

I'm ok with that. I'm actually thrilled to be extravagantly rich in time. But I sense the end of the in-between time. I'm going to have to figure things out. Where will we live? Can we live in this house? Can we move? Will we stay near by, close to all our friends in the community we've built over the last 10 years? Will we move away? Rebuild? Can I afford (money) to keep this job that I love? Can I afford (time) to get a new job? Where will the kids go to school? What if I just spent years and tons of money getting a PhD and then can't or don't want to get a new job? What if I get a new job and I hate it or am not good at it? What if we move and can't make new friends?

What if I make the wrong decisions?

Not all of these things will need to be decided in 2012. We have some time left in the inbetween. And what I want to do more than anything is ENJOY our time here while making decisions that will lead us out of it and into the great adventure that is our future.

Tomorrow I will be 41. 2012 is upon us. I am walking down a snowy road arm in arm with myself. I will not be afraid.

I will not be afraid.