Misery does not love company

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iGhrbXGBkQ

For a while it felt like I was the only divorcing person. I know plenty of single moms and divorced people, but while I was separated, I felt very alone. It seemed that these normal happy !but single! people had arrived by spontaneous generation without the sadness or pull or loneliness, unfraught and whole while I on the other hand was a singularity of all that breaks down and all that could have been.

I wondered who would be next- because surely I couldn't be the last EVER.

I thought I would find comfort there. A common bond and a chance to step out of the failure spotlight. Waiting to hear which of my friends and acquaintances would be the first to announce "We're splitting up," I kindof looked forward to it.

And then it happened. Some friends split up. And then friend and her husband separated. And then someone else I know and then again.

And you know what? This didn't make me happy at all. Everyone of these splits was its own little tragedy. Some people are sad to leave behind what and who they loved and others are happy to move ahead into the great unknown possibilities of future love. Most live with one foot in sad and one foot in happy for a really really long time.

What I think I know about relationships (and whether I'm qualified to know anything is debatable) is that there are a few couples who are happy, usually, mostly. And then there are the other people. These people find someone who is initially wonderful and then somewhat annoying but mostly good enough and god at least better then the alternative and we said we would stick with it and so we will and anyway, there are the kids to think about and well, it's not that bad and there are glimpses of what was wonderful. And by the time they get through that thought, it's been 10 or 15 years and Jeez at this point why not just stick with it and we know each other so well and our whole lives are here with each other. And that is what love is- mostly just sticking it out and making it work by wanting it to work.

So tonight a friend told me that they are newly separated, well that they've been separated for a while but that one of them had just moved out. And friend spoke to me with hope and sadness. And it made me remember being in the in between place. That horrible/wonderful place of hope and sadness and all of the glass and fire I had to walk over to get out of that horrible/wonderful place.

And I was not even one little bit happy to have company. I was just sad.